Hey everyone!! I'm still alive. I've just been very busy. I started school two weeks ago. I think this is the first time in my life that I've gone to school 2 weeks in a row without missing one day. School is going very well. I struggled at first probably because I haven't been in a classroom in 7 years. But I have the hang of it now. Making good grades. These little summer sessions are crazy fast. I have homework everynight, and usually lots of it. I'm gonna make it though. Kind of rethinking the whole probation officer thing. They do not make much money, and someone is going to have to take care of my parents when theyre really old. So who knows. I have a while before I have to commit to a major. I know this is a really short blog, but nothing great has happened lately...Just school

It's just milk. The world's not short on cows....

I blogged yesterday and ended up deleting it because I didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. So I'll try to get my point across without being so blunt. And lets remember....This is my blog and I'm free to write what I want.

Apparently my family is too big for everyone to get along all the time, but this little bit of crap has been going on too long and needs to stop. Does anyone really have to ask why dad goes to the barn everynight? I think it's pretty obvious. If I couldn't even get a glass of milk in my own house without someone complaining about it. I'd sit at the barn too. And do you really have to ask why he's so grumpy? I don't. He can hardly do anything without someone making a comment when he walks away. Nobody knows how much this hurts me. I hate for him to be treated this way. How would you feel if every move you made someone turned their nose up at you? I can imagine it wouldn't feel very good. Maybe some of it is my fault also. Maybe he's upset that me and my two kids still live with him, and we get on his nerves. No one will ever know because nobody knows how to have a conversation in this house without it starting a fight. Moral of my story. If there is nothing you can do about the actions of others, and they aren't hurting you....Keep your mouth shut about them because other people don't wanna hear it.
So let's just give him a break ok? Let him come in the house and be happy for crying out loud. He's being pushed away by all the ugliness. You're gonna miss him when he's gone. Family shouldn't act that way toward one another.

LEV 19:18 Do not seek revenge or hold a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

MATT 19:19 honor your father and mother and love your neighbor as yourself.

LUKE 6:31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Time for school!

What a day yesterday! I had an appointment with my college counselor. After talking to her for about 2 minutes she informs me that I have a hold on my account from a previous semester at college that I didn't completely pay for. Went to the cashier to pay the hold and she tells me you can't pay for holds with a check. I almost burst into tears!!!! With a hold you can't DO ANYTHING! Sooo I did not know what to do. When I don't know what to do, and there is money involved...There's only a few people I can call. I called my daddy. Luckily, he was in the same town as the college and came to save the day! I was so relieved. I almost cried again. I do not know what I would do without my parents. I finally got it taken care of with the help of my daddy. I got registered for Summer 1 and 2 classes as well as the fall. I sooo excited. I really thought I would have years of basics to do before I saw my first Criminal Justice class. Well, I was wrong again. My first CJ class is this fall. YAY.

Tom had 2 soccer games today. He did so good! At the first one he was goalie and saved the ball about 4 times. Of course I was close by for some coaching. At the second he kicked the ball once. We celebrated. It's been a long few days. I'm tuckered!

Have a good Sunday!!

Surprise TOM

The guy from way back when turned out to be a TOTAL jerk. He told me I have anger issues. Not the first time I've heard that, and I can't say that I disagree.

Good news! Me and Tom are getting a puppy tonight! I can't wait. I wonder what he'll want to name it. Probably Ogre. That's what he wanted to name his little brother. Such a silly goose. The puppy is half lab and half German Shepherd. He should be very smart and a good guard dog. Just what I wanted. Way too many people that don't like me know where I live. Too bad you can't enter the witness protection program for pissing people off. They would've shipped me off long ago! I think I finally talked dad into letting me get one since his dog ATE my bunny. If he doesn't feel bad he should. hehe

All this college stuff is sooo confusing! I don't know what classes I need to take now and which ones I don't. I don't know if there is a limit on how many hours you can take during the summer mini's. I'm pretty darn smart and want to get it over with. In a few short years I will be one of the meanest most understanding probation officer's ever. I've pretty much been on probation for the past 3 years of my life. Once for theft, and twice for DWI's. I started stealing at a very young age and did it until I got caught. After that I never stole again. Too bad I didn't learn my lesson with my first DWI. I had to get 2 of those before I learned. If I get another one they'll send me to the pen. I'm too pretty to go to the pen. Some big lezzy would make me be her girlfriend I'm sure. YIKES!

In August I will be OFF probation. I completed 6 months of probation in one county a while back without one violation. In August is when the 18 month probation will be over. Not one violation on it either. When I was on probation for theft. I violated about every other month. My P.O. gave me weekends in jail everytime. I think I did 9 or 10 before I got a DWI and served 42 days in county jail for probation revocation. My P.O. saw me at Grahams with my sister once, got weekends in jail for that. Then someone would call him and tell him they saw me drinking and I'd get more. (I'm pretty sure I know who you are too. You'll get what's coming to you.) Finally that person called him and told him I was dating a felon. The judge gave me 6 more months probation and 2 weekends in jail. I served one of the two before it was revoked. For those of you who don't know. When you're on probation you have a WHOLE other set of laws to abide by. Don't date a felon is on the list. As well as, don't go to Grahams, don't drink, don't cross state lines, and don't break the law. I 'm pretty sure I did all of those. I got what I deserved. I deserved to go to jail. But those days are over, and I'm very thankful for that man I thought was so mean when I was on probation with him. He's the one that told me about Narcotics Anonymous. So, I kind of owe it all to him. Thanks short bald man with no fingernails!!!

STUPID DOG!!!

Got reunited with an old friend through Myspace the other day. It's a boy. We went to school together like 20 years ago. (really 20 years ago. I was 5 or 6.) He was the first boy I ever thought was cute. Anyway, we talked for a few days. Then he mentioned drinking. When I told him that I don't drink he decided he really didn't want to talk to me anymore. ugh. Whatever. I don't really want to date someone who drinks, and I for sure do not want to date another addict. I really wish I wasn't an addict. Makes me feel like a freak. Like I have to explain my whole life story every time I meet someone new. Like everyone is walking on egg shells around me not to mention a drink or drug or I'll run out and relapse. Or when I do something they say, "That's addict behavior." No wonder I'm not remarried, and I live at home with my parents. Apparently there is still a ton wrong with me. I know one thing for sure. I'll never be cured. As hard as it for me...I have to accept that I'm an addict. Only recovering now.

I walked outside to smoke today. Yes, I'm a smoker and yes I know it's gross. I'd love to quit but it's sooo hard. When I walked out to smoke. There was my sweet little bunny...DEAD. I was traumatized. 45 minutes earlier when I went outside. It wasn't there. Thanks again Cinchy. So now I think I need a dog. Since dad is the one that wont let me have one and his dog ATE my bunny!

And I chipped a tooth...Time for bed...Thank goodness!!!!!

Happy Monday

What an amazing day yesterday!!! I got to see all of my nephews. Soccer games in the morning. Those are always fun. Tom (my oldest) thinks that if he is even hardly touched that he MUST fall down. He's sooo dramatic. He actually kicked the ball! Once. And then ran off the field to holler, "Momma!! I kicked it! Did you see me!" At his first game he screamed at me from across the field, "Momma I need to ask you something! (looking at the sky in the middle of the game) What kind of clouds are those?" He's pretty airheaded at times.

After soccer my BFF came over and we went to Longview for some shots, and Starbucks!!! (I'm slightly addicted to their caramel frappacino. Oh and beef jerky, but that's a story for a different day)

My family came over for my brother's birthday. We had mom's famous green enchiladas that we only get for Big bro's birthday and Christmas. They were delicious! I had A BLAST with Tom, and my two nephews. Got a good work out in the meanwhile. We played baseball or something like it. Mostly me hitting the balls as far as I could and watching them scatter to find them. We all had fun though. I can't wait to do it again. Big bro and BFF even played for a few minutes.

My BFF caught a baby rabbit. I really wanted to keep it, but mom said when you catch a wild rabbit then wont eat. I kept him for a few hours but he wouldn't move. He didn't move until lil bro started messing with it. Then his girlfriend let it go in the living room. Lots of squealing and laughter later. We caught it, and I let it go. I hope he found his mommy or daddy. (sad face) I just really want a pet. Mom says, "You have two kids! You don't need a pet." Dad says, "Get your own house and you can have all the pets you want..." I'm just tired of going to bed alone everynight. Apparently it's going to be like that for a long time. I want a dog or cat that will sleep with me. A papillon is really what I want. (google it. They're soooo cute!) I could bring home another ferrett and see how daddy likes that. But that would be ummm whatever the word is for it. My sis-in-law would know.. She's smart. But I'm not like that anymore, so I must obey my parents.

Happy Sunday!

Where are you???

When my head gets full of thoughts. I blog. Then my thoughts are somewhere else besides in my head, and I can think clearly again! So today. Like most days. The thoughts are mostly about...men. Not all men, but my man. I do not know his name or where he works or even if he exists. Oh, how I hope he does. Everyone tells me he'll come in God's time, just pray for God to make you ready for him and him ready for you. Well, I've been doing that for a year now, and I'm RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE. The difference in me now and 2 years ago is that then I thought I 'needed' a boyfriend all the time. Boy howdy was I wrong. Now I don't think I need one as much as I want one. I don't think it's fair that the one man I've ever truly loved is already remarried with a baby on the way. Why you ask don't I think it's fair? Because I'm selfish and I think that I deserve those things and that he doesn't. There's a little bit of honesty for ya. I've come so far in 19 months that I think that I deserve it now. That it's my turn to fall in love. Even though I highly doubt "love" is what got them in that situation.

I think I set some unrealistic expectations on recovery. Maybe I thought when I finely get my head clear and can think straight. I'll live happily ever after.

I think it's funny that people that do not want to get married get the chance, and me, I want to get married, don't even get the chance. Maybe all this marriage crap has something to do with baby. Is he never going to get the chance to even learn the word daddy? Never going to get to call someone daddy? And one day ask me, "Momma, why does big brother have a daddy and I don't."

I mean I'm not asking for a prince charming on a white horse, only that he has a job and all his teeth.

Have a good weekend!!

Complacency

Today was good though uneventful. Well kind of. Went to a meeting. The topic was complacency. It's funny how almost every time I go to a meeting I hear exactly what I need to hear. I know that when I get complacent. I get angry, and very irritable. Everyone annoys me and I want to choke everyone. I really need to attend more meetings, but it's hard for me to leave my babies. This is a new feeling. 2 years ago I wouldn't think twice about leaving my big boy to go MIA for the weekend getting highly intoxicated and going to the club. When I was gone he would hardly cross my mind. I was sick very sick, so caught up in the disease of addiction that I didn't know left from right most of the time. Sometimes I think God gave me my youngest so that I could give him what I never gave my oldest. Memories that I don't remember with him or never made with him because of drugs. I have no recollection of the first 2 and a half years of his life. When I think about this it makes me ill. All I can do now is cherish every moment I have with him and make new memories in place of the ones forgotten. I can't help but feel bad for it but God has brought me so far in the past 19 months I have sober that it amazes me. I did not know I was capable of having all of these feelings because for so long they were covered up with booze and pills. I'm not uncomfortable sharing these experiences because I know I'm not the only one.

What to write as my first blog? hmmm

Well, nothing interesting has happened yet today, but my big boy isn't home yet. That's when the fun starts. I'm exhausted. Still recovering from the big camp out I guess. I'm thankful it was a success, and all the hard work I put into it paid off. Maybe I'm crazy but I think I'll be camp out committee chair next year too, and do it again! I couldn't have done it without my mom and sister. They were a huge help. While mom helped cook and my sister watched the baby I was able to make sure everything went as planned. Thanks mom and sister!