Where are you???

When my head gets full of thoughts. I blog. Then my thoughts are somewhere else besides in my head, and I can think clearly again! So today. Like most days. The thoughts are mostly about...men. Not all men, but my man. I do not know his name or where he works or even if he exists. Oh, how I hope he does. Everyone tells me he'll come in God's time, just pray for God to make you ready for him and him ready for you. Well, I've been doing that for a year now, and I'm RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE. The difference in me now and 2 years ago is that then I thought I 'needed' a boyfriend all the time. Boy howdy was I wrong. Now I don't think I need one as much as I want one. I don't think it's fair that the one man I've ever truly loved is already remarried with a baby on the way. Why you ask don't I think it's fair? Because I'm selfish and I think that I deserve those things and that he doesn't. There's a little bit of honesty for ya. I've come so far in 19 months that I think that I deserve it now. That it's my turn to fall in love. Even though I highly doubt "love" is what got them in that situation.

I think I set some unrealistic expectations on recovery. Maybe I thought when I finely get my head clear and can think straight. I'll live happily ever after.

I think it's funny that people that do not want to get married get the chance, and me, I want to get married, don't even get the chance. Maybe all this marriage crap has something to do with baby. Is he never going to get the chance to even learn the word daddy? Never going to get to call someone daddy? And one day ask me, "Momma, why does big brother have a daddy and I don't."

I mean I'm not asking for a prince charming on a white horse, only that he has a job and all his teeth.

Have a good weekend!!

Complacency

Today was good though uneventful. Well kind of. Went to a meeting. The topic was complacency. It's funny how almost every time I go to a meeting I hear exactly what I need to hear. I know that when I get complacent. I get angry, and very irritable. Everyone annoys me and I want to choke everyone. I really need to attend more meetings, but it's hard for me to leave my babies. This is a new feeling. 2 years ago I wouldn't think twice about leaving my big boy to go MIA for the weekend getting highly intoxicated and going to the club. When I was gone he would hardly cross my mind. I was sick very sick, so caught up in the disease of addiction that I didn't know left from right most of the time. Sometimes I think God gave me my youngest so that I could give him what I never gave my oldest. Memories that I don't remember with him or never made with him because of drugs. I have no recollection of the first 2 and a half years of his life. When I think about this it makes me ill. All I can do now is cherish every moment I have with him and make new memories in place of the ones forgotten. I can't help but feel bad for it but God has brought me so far in the past 19 months I have sober that it amazes me. I did not know I was capable of having all of these feelings because for so long they were covered up with booze and pills. I'm not uncomfortable sharing these experiences because I know I'm not the only one.

What to write as my first blog? hmmm

Well, nothing interesting has happened yet today, but my big boy isn't home yet. That's when the fun starts. I'm exhausted. Still recovering from the big camp out I guess. I'm thankful it was a success, and all the hard work I put into it paid off. Maybe I'm crazy but I think I'll be camp out committee chair next year too, and do it again! I couldn't have done it without my mom and sister. They were a huge help. While mom helped cook and my sister watched the baby I was able to make sure everything went as planned. Thanks mom and sister!