When my head gets full of thoughts. I blog. Then my thoughts are somewhere else besides in my head, and I can think clearly again! So today. Like most days. The thoughts are mostly about...men. Not all men, but my man. I do not know his name or where he works or even if he exists. Oh, how I hope he does. Everyone tells me he'll come in God's time, just pray for God to make you ready for him and him ready for you. Well, I've been doing that for a year now, and I'm RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE. The difference in me now and 2 years ago is that then I thought I 'needed' a boyfriend all the time. Boy howdy was I wrong. Now I don't think I need one as much as I want one. I don't think it's fair that the one man I've ever truly loved is already remarried with a baby on the way. Why you ask don't I think it's fair? Because I'm selfish and I think that I deserve those things and that he doesn't. There's a little bit of honesty for ya. I've come so far in 19 months that I think that I deserve it now. That it's my turn to fall in love. Even though I highly doubt "love" is what got them in that situation.
I think I set some unrealistic expectations on recovery. Maybe I thought when I finely get my head clear and can think straight. I'll live happily ever after.
I think it's funny that people that do not want to get married get the chance, and me, I want to get married, don't even get the chance. Maybe all this marriage crap has something to do with baby. Is he never going to get the chance to even learn the word daddy? Never going to get to call someone daddy? And one day ask me, "Momma, why does big brother have a daddy and I don't."
I mean I'm not asking for a prince charming on a white horse, only that he has a job and all his teeth.
Have a good weekend!!
Hi Micah-Bear!
ReplyDeleteI know this may seem strange to you because it's been so long since I've actually seen you. But I get so excited when I hear about your progress. And I wasn't around to see you go through all that addiction. My last memories of you were when you were probably in middle school. I always thought you were so adorable and I have kept a special place for you in my heart. Time passes, season's change and so do circumstances. When I came back in contact with you after all those years, I think you were just coming out of your addiction and trying to get on your feet. And I'm so proud of you for making it this far. You can't change the past. All you can do is make good decisions for the future. Sounds like you are on the right track.
As for waiting on "your man", I'm sure everyone's advice gets old, especially the more time passes and nothing seems to point toward what you hope for. So I always struggle with the right thing to say to people. I was 27 when I got married. More like 27.8, lol! So I had to wait longer than alot of other people, and I understand. But it will be worth it. And you deserve someone that has more than a job and all his teeth (and so does your baby). ;) Just be the best person that you can be. Be the someone that someone with more than a job and his teeth would want to have. Don't sell yourself short. Believe in yourself. You may not have done everything perfect, but nobody has, and you do deserve to be pursued and cherished. I'm glad you no longer feel like you "need" a man. When you find the right one, they are very nice to have around but they aren't your source and strength, and they are not perfect.
Thank you for inviting me to follow your blog. If there is one thing I could encourage you with right now, it would be this. Some time ago I realized that I was spending so much time looking forward to or hoping for something different in the future that I was totally missing the "now" in my life. And I realized that as long as I was avoiding the now, I would never walk through what God wanted me to walk through to get to the future. So I had to learn to embrace the now and absorb it as best I could. I know you want a daddy for you baby, and someone who loves you for who you are, but there is a reason why that is not so for now. Enjoy this time. Embrace the now and walk through all of your days, even the hard times, with open eyes, and open heart and endurance. And before you know it, you will be farther ahead than you ever imagined.
You're gonna make it! :)